Spy School: Lesson 1

"Welcome class. My name is Loftman... Mr Loftman. I will be your instructor today. Now if you will all get out your spy training manual and flip to page 74 we can begin. Ok, so the topic of today's class is: How to avoid detection. Now, this is a very important skill for any spy considering that most of what you will do you will not want to be caught doing. At the same time, there are likely to be a large quantity of individuals who are very motivated towards insuring the oppasite. And so, your ability to avoid detection will become quite important to you. Now, let's have a brainstorming session for a moment. What are some ways that you can think of that could allow you to avoid detection? Yes, you there with the raised-ish hand."

"Uh, you could like... be really sneaky?"

"Ok, you can put your hand down now. And I would ask that you move yourself to the rear of the class and refrain from any more input of any kind what-so-ever. Thankyou. No, behaving sneakily is a stupid answer. And what happens to stupid spies? The get shot... if they're lucky. You see this..."

(teacher removes shirt and turns around to reveal a tatoo of Donald Trump between his shoulder blades; class gasps; teacher puts shirt back on and turns to face class)

"Exactly. You think this job is glamerous? All martinis and romance? Well it's not! I got this baby from some -dealers in Saigon. They'll do whatever it takes to get you to talk."

"So did you talk?"

"I believe I told you not to add any more input. This is not a day-care it is an academic esstablishment. Try to spell that: academic establishment. That should keep you busy for the rest of class. NO, I did not talk. And now I have a permanent reminder not to get caught. So, how does one avoid detection? The answer is a simple one although it's a bit tricky to get the hang of. To avoid detection you must behave as though you truely belong where everyone knows that you do not. The enemy is looking for people who are not supposed to be where they are guarding. To avoid detection you must simply act as though you really are supposed to be there. The key is confidence. If a person is not where they are supposed to be they seem nervous or agitated because they fear detection. If you are confident that you are supposed to be in the records vault of the CIA it is very unlikely that anyone will accuse you otherwise. If perhaps you are accused of being somewhere that you are not supposed to be, get angry. If you are a guard and someone is yelling at you it is easy to assume that they are not afraid of you. If they are not afraid of you they can't possible be a spy. Take advantage of people's assumptions. If they ask you for credentials look at them as though you are very influential and very insulted and inform them that you intend on telling their superiors about how inconsiderate they were to you. This is how to avoid detection."

"That doesn't seem like very good advice. What if they aren't intimidated and they threaten to kill you if you don't prove that you are supposed to be there?"

"What, did you beat a toaster at a game of chess and now you think that you know everything about everything? Listen here cheese-head, I've been spying since before your mother dropped you on your head as a child. I'm teaching this class because I am a respected authority on a very prestigeous trade. I won't stand for any more of your disrespect. This is how to avoid detection and that is final! Now, who wants to see me make Donald talk?"

(teacher removes shirt again, turns around, and begins flexing in a patter that makes it appear as though the tatoo is speaking)

"I'm Donald Trump. Who wants to be my next associate? Hey, you in the back, you're fired. Ha ha ha!"

(teacher replaces shirt and faces the class)

"Well, that's it for today. Please submit a twelve page essay on Avoiding Detection by friday. Class dismissed."