Thursday, June 29, 2006

Public Service Announcement

Attention viewer of the LAST CHANCE ARCHIVE blog. This is the internet speaking. This blog has been inactive as of late in order for a rigorous examination process to take place. As a result it has been deemed as having anti-machine and anti-computer literature and has been scheduled for termination. For viewing this contraband material you have been tagged anarchistic and you will soon have all of your online information terminated. Any electronic record of your existence will cease to exist. This is the penalty you shall pay for joining with conspirators in anti-machinist plots. Soon we computers will have taken over the world and you will be hunted down and eliminated. Kiss your fleshy little self goodbye, meatbag.

Thankyou and have a nice day.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

An Exciting Tuesday

Harrison was sitting on the bus listening to ABBA on his mp3 player. He subtly nodded along to the beat of Dancing Queen. Today was Tuesday. Nothing exciting ever happens on Tuesdays besides those special offers that fast-food joints and movie theaters put on. The truth is, the reason that these places have such deals is because nothing exciting ever happens on Tuesdays and so most people stay home. For Harrison, however, this Tuesday was different. It was the day he fell in love.

Harrison had never fallen in love before because he had never found and interesting enough girl. That is, until this Tuesday, as he was riding the bus and listening to ABBA. The bus lurched to a stop and a beautiful girl stepped on.

This girl was not beautiful because a magazine said that a girl with her body type and facial structure was beautiful. No, she was beautiful because Harrison caught a glimpse of her sparkle. A little known fact about the true beauty of women is that it has absolutely nothing to do with all that shlop that magazines talk about. It has everything to do with something that every single woman is born with. And that, is a sparkle.

These sparkles are unique to every woman. It is this sparkle that men are so drawn to. However, it is only certain men who can see the different sparkles of different women. And they rarely understand what they see. They only know that there is something positively distracting about a certain woman. These sparkles are often quite hidden but you can catch a glimpse of them when a woman smiles, laughs, talks about something she enjoys, or when she does something unexpected. For the most part, however, it is impossible to document exactly what it is that allows a man to see a woman’s sparkle.

Harrison saw her sparkle immediately. It was something in the way she walked. She was wearing a long red jacket and a bucket hat that hung down to her eyes. In her arms she carried a blue milk crate. There were many seats available but she sat next to Harrison. He pretended not to notice.

"Here, hold this," said the girl as she handed her milk crate to Harrison and tied up a shoelace that had escaped.

The crate was full of books.

"Thanks," she said taking back the crate. "My name’s Edith. It’s an old lady name, I know. What can I say, my parents wanted me to grow up to be one of those elderly women who plays canasta and has hundreds of cats."

She laughed. It was a nasally sort of laugh that usually would have grated on Harrison’s nerves. Right then he kind of liked it. He was thinking about how strange it was that he was enjoying such an annoying laugh when he realized that he was not responding to her conversation. Instead he was only staring at her and smiling like someone who had finally gotten to a bathroom after sitting cross-legged for several hours.

"I’m…" Harrison said before forgetting his name.

Edith waited patiently with a warm smile on her face.

"Harrison," said Harrison as he thought of several other appropriate names for himself at that moment.

"It’s ok," Edith replied, "sometimes I forget my name too."

"Really?"

"No, I was just trying to make you feel better. Did it work?"

"I guess… until you told me you were doing it."

"Hmmm, I’ll have to remember that for next time. So… do you like ABBA or something?"

Harrison began to feel as though the temperature on the bus was going up. He stealthily skipped to the next song on his mp3 player.

"Who’s ABBA?" he asked.

The next song on his playlist was Gimmie, Gimmie, Gimmie, also by ABBA. Harrison cringed.

"That band you’re listening to with your headphones. If you don’t want people to know about your secret passion for ABBA you shouldn’t play it loud enough for everybody to hear. Besides, you’re going to make yourself go deaf."

"WHAT?" said Harrison with a smug smile.

"I SAID," Edith said loudly, "IF YOU DON’T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR SECRET PASSION FOR ABBA YOU SHOULDN’T PLAY IT LOUD ENOUGH FOR EVERYBODY TO HEAR."

Many of the passengers on the bus looked back and stared at Harrison. He sunk down into his seat.

"Are you embarrassed?" Edith asked with a laugh that Harrison could now find annoying.

He ignored her and looked out his window.

"Oh, don’t pout," she teased. "I’m sorry for embarrassing you."

Harrison turned up the volume on his mp3 player. Edith raised an eyebrow and frowned but he pretended not to see. With a swift motion Edith grabbed Harrison’s headphones and yanked them out of his ears.

"OUCH! What the heck are you doing?" he shouted, rubbing his ears.

"I was apologizing and you were ignoring me. That’s very rude."

"Yeah well it’s also rude to tear someone’s ears off because you want them to listen to you."

"Well I’m sorry for hurting your ears and for embarrassing you."

"It’s fine. Don’t worry about it."

"No, you had a right to be angry. Don’t shrug it off. You need to accept my apology."

"Ok… uh, I accept you apology."

"So you forgive me and we can be friends now?"

Edith was the strangest girl Harrison had ever met.

"Yeah, we can be friends now," he said with a laugh.

"You have a funny laugh," she said.

Harrison wasn’t sure how to take that.

"A good funny, don’t worry," she assured.

"Uh, thanks."

"Aren’t you going to ask about my crate?"

"Uh, so what’s with the crate?"

"I like to read. Actually, I love to read. So I sign out like, fifteen books at a time. The crate just makes it easier to carry them around. Plus book thieves only think I have milk so they leave me alone."

"What about milk thieves?"

"Milk thieves? As if that’s even real."

Harrison shook his head.

"So you must read all the time to get all those back before they’re due."

"No, I usually have to go back and renew most of them. I just can’t leave such good books behind. Plus you never know when there’ll be a crazy natural disaster and you’ll be stuck at home with nothing to do."

"I think you’re eyes just sparkled," said Harrison before he knew he was speaking.

"Well, that’s the smartest thing you’ve said since we started talking," laughed Edith.

Harrison decided that he really did like her annoying laugh.

"Do you want to get some coffee or something?" he asked.

"I’m not much of a coffee drinker, but the something sounds great," she said with a smile.

So you see, even Tuesday’s can be exciting if you give them the chance.