Gnomiology 101

Gnomiology is the study of the smallish, supposedly mystical creatures known as gnomes. Many people believe that gnomes are not real and therefor do not need to be studied. Unfortunately these people are silly folk with no understanding of what is true and what is fictitious. Gnomes are really very real and we must understand them so that we can know how to live along side them.

The word gnome comes from the Greek word "gignosko," meaning 'to learn, understand'. A primary gnomish characteristic is an acute understanding of every aspect of the Cosmos. They, unlike humans, learn from their past and act accordingly. Gnomes are actually quite clever creatures.

Gnomes generally range from eight to twelve inches in height. In appearance they resemble the ethnic group of the region from which they come from. Thusly there are black gnomes, Asian gnomes, and so on.

Gnomes are also known for their continuously positive disposition. They are unable to worry and partake of recuperative partying. As a result their life span is considerably longer than that of humans.

Most gnomiologists agree that gnomes have been around since the beginning of the world. They were created to care for the precious minerals, metals, and stones that exist deep below the earth’s crust.

All Gnomes once lived in simplistic happiness in their communities deep below the earth’s crust. Unfortunately, due to their helpful nature, some gnomes aided humans in discovering deposits of precious resources that were hidden deep underground.

The greedy humans then began harvesting these resources to an extent that began to cause troubles for the gnomish people. Some gnomes resorted to leaving their underground homes and moving to deep forests where they could live peacefully. There they built homes among the dirt and roots at the base of trees.

Ever helpful, the gnomes persisted in aiding humans in whatever ways they could. Many an over-worked person would come to do a chore or job only to find it mysteriously completed already.

Unwelcome change came to the gnomes once again as humans began to chop down the great forests that had become home to this smallish people. Gnomes were once again forced to relocate. Some move deeper into the forests. Others moved to other countries that still had some wilderness left untouched by humans. Still others adapted to coexist alongside humans. Some of these live at peace with humans and use their knowledge and skills to aid their larger neighbors. Another sort of these gnomes who dwell alongside humans have taken up a different practice. They engage in minor, yet irritating mischievous activities.

Some such pranks include stealing, rearranging, mind-games, and tripping. If you have ever misplaced some small trinket, lost a sock in a dryer, sworn you hear someone say your name, or tripped seemingly over nothing at all then you have fallen victim to these playful pranksters.
This is an area where raising awareness is important. Not enough people know about these mischievous gnomes and begin to think that they are forgetful, or clumsy, or even crazy. This is one area where you can help. Be on the lookout for situations where a friend or family member tell you about something they have lost or when you see them trip suddenly over the ground. Instead of laughing at them, as you would customarily do, inform them about the crisis of homeless gnomes driven to mischievousness.

Also, when some similar event happens to you, comment to those around you that it is likely the doing of those dang gnomes. Follow this statement by calling out at the nasty gnomes to leave you alone. If those with you give you strange looks then you can simply grin and nod at them until they accept what you have said.

Another thing that you can do to aid in this situation is to give a home to a sad, homeless gnome. They enjoy quiet, peaceful places such as gardens that are full of tasty plants that they can nibble on. If you have no garden they will also live in cracks or holes in walls or under steps. If you are interested head on to http://www.garden-gnomes-need-homes.com where you can give a needy gnome a home.

Thank you for having an open mind. And remember, gnomiology may just save your life. So study up.

The Truth About Motion Sensors

Kyle Irving did not like his job. He thought that his job must be among the top five most boring jobs on the planet. He was a motion sensor technician for Motion Sense Inc. Motion Sense Inc is the company that develops the motion sensors that get installed into security equipment, yard lights, automatic doors, and that sort of thing.

Now I will let you in on a little secret. These motion sensors do not work. At least, they do not work in the manner that they are supposed to. You see, motion sensing was a key area of scientific research for many years but nobody could seem to figure it out. One day a clever scientist discovered that one did not need to actually need to discover motion sensing. One only needed to be good enough at pretending that one had. And so he did just that.

What we believe to be motion sensors are actually little video cameras that are linked via satellite feed to the Motion Sense Inc control building. Here motion sensor technicians worked around the clock to continue the illusion that motion sensing is real when, in fact, it certainly is not.

Kyle Irving is one such technician. He works in the door division and busies himself every day with making sure that automatic doors from all over the world continue to function as they would were they actually driven by motion sensing equipment.

As you can imagine this is quite dull. Kyle is thankful though. He realizes that things could be worse. A friend of his works in bathroom division and is in charge of pressing buttons that will run water, shoot soap, dispense paper towels, and flush toilets. Kyle didn’t like his job, but it was better than watching people use the bathroom all day.

Besides, Kyle even found ways to amuse himself. He learned to play games with the people who used the doors he operated. Sometimes he liked to wait to activate a door until just after an overly trusting person had walked right into it and left nose and forehead smudges on the glass. Other times he would close doors just as people tried to slip through behind another person. Still other times he would leave his doors closed just enough so that a customer leaving a store with a large purchase would be unable to fit it through the doors.

Despite all of this fun Kyle did not like his job. Actually, it would be accurate to say that he hated it. And it was this accurate statement that he passed onto his boss the following morning.

"Hate you job, huh?" asked his boss. "Well, I know where you can get help. My psychologist specializes in job therapy. He’s apparently helped celebrities like the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus."

"Santa hated his job?"

"Apparently. Makes you not feel so bad for hating yours, huh?"

"So your psychologist says he treated the Easter Bunny and Santa?"

"Yup."

"Sounds like he could use a taste of his own medicine."

"Whatever, here’s his card."

"Dr. Frinkle, huh. Weird."

"Hey man, you open doors for a living as part of an incredible corporate conspiracy. So no talking bad about the doctor, okay?"

"Fine, I’ll call him."

As a result of his sessions with Dr. Frinkle, Kyle soon learned to love his job, although he still let the occasional person walk into a door that they expected to be open.

The Fruit Stand

Eddy was driving a teal-green smart car through the Nevada Desert. He was on a business trip and his company had decided that it would be cheaper for him to drive the company smart car rather than to fly. Eddy thought this was very stupid.

He had been driving for four hours when he began to get thirsty. Perhaps this was because he had been staring out across a blazing desert for so long and it was starting to have a psychological effect on him. Or perhaps it was because he hadn’t had anything to drink for four hours and had been munching on some stale pretzels that he had found in the glove box. At any rate, he was considerably parched and was looking around eagerly for a convenience store of some sort to cure him of his ailment.

For the next forty-five minutes there was nothing. Eddy was begging to ponder how unhealthy it would be drink just a tiny bit of his windshield-washer fluid when he spied a sign. “Freddie’s Fruit Stand, next left.” it read. Eddy sighed with relief. While a cool bottle of Evian would be more appreciated he was glad that he could get some fruit to quench his thirst. Besides, the store would likely have some source of water and so he could perhaps negotiate his way to a refreshing beverage of some sort.

A sign reading “Freddie’s Fruit Stand, right here!” stood just beside a run-down looking old shop. Eddy pulled the smart car into the patch of dark sand that passed as a parking lot for the store. He parked the car and eagerly went into the little fruit stand.

Inside there were containers along both of the side walls that were filled with just about every fruit imaginable. There were apples and pears, apricots and plums, bananas and peaches, kiwi and pineapple, mango and papaya, and many more. Despite the shop’s remote location the fruit seemed to be fantastically fresh. Eddy’s cotton-ball mouth hung hungrily open.

“Welcome to Freddie’s Fruit Stand,” said an overly enthusiastic voice from the back of the shop.

Along the wall at the back there was a long waist-high counter. Behind the counter stood a grinning red-headed young man. A name-tag on his chest read, “Freddie.”

“Uh, hi… Freddie,” replied Eddy. “Is this your fruit stand?”

“Yeah, it sure is! Wow, how’d you know that?”

“I just saw at your name tag.”

“Well, yeah. I figured that’s how you knew my name, but it still doesn’t explain how you know that I own this here fruit stand.”

“Uh… well, it’s called Freddie’s Fruit stand, right?”

“Right.”

“And you’re name is Freddie, right?”

“Right…”

Eddy didn’t have the patience to educate this mentally deficient young man. He was much more interested in the succulent fruit in the containers along the walls. He picked up two pears, a peach, and a banana and brought them to the counter.

“All these?” Freddie asked Eddie.

“Yup.”

“That’ll be five bucks.”

“That’s all?”

“You bet!”

“Not that I’m complaining, but it must be hard for you to make a profit with prices like that.”

Freddie grinned. Eddy shrugged, picked up his juicy fruits and turned to leave.

“Woah, big fella!” said Freddie. “Where do you think you’re taking those?”

“Uh… to my car to eat them,” answered Eddy.

“No way pal! What do you think this is?”

“A fruit stand?”

“Exactly! So just put those back on this here counter.”

Eddy put the fruit back on the counter and stared at Freddie.

“Didn’t I just buy those?”

“Heck no buddy, you paid for a try.”

“A try at what?”

“At standing the fruit.”

“Huh?”

“This is a FRUIT-STAND. You pick your fruit, try to stand it up and if you succeed you get to keep the winnings.”

“Try to stand it up?”

“Yup. Go on… give it a try.”

Eddy wasn’t in the mood for this but he really wanted the fruit. So, he set about standing the fruit up. He successfully propped the banana up against the peach. But when he tried to put one of the pears on top of the peach the whole thing fell over.

“Tough luck pal,” said Freddie with a grin.

“Come on, let me try again,” implored Eddy.

“Sure thing… for five bucks.”

Eddy glared but paid the amount. Three more tries and fifteen dollars later Eddy succeeded in standing all the fruit up together.

“There,” sighed Eddy, “can I have my fruit now?”

“Fruit? No way pal, you get this wonderful stuffed bunny!”

Eddy’s face turned an angry shade of red. Rather than smash this fellow’s face in and earn himself a hefty lawsuit, Eddy turned and left the shop. He stood outside the door in the blistering heat and ground his teeth. Then something white around the corner of the shop caught his eye. Investigating he discovered that it was a refrigerator. Curious, he opened the door. Inside were twenty or thirty glistening bottles of Evian water.

Eddy smiled a mischievous smile, grabbed all of the bottles that he could (which happened to be all but two) and scampered back to his car. Throwing them onto his passenger seat he started the engine and tore out of the parking lot.

Eddy laughed and drank Evian water for the rest of his trip. As a result of this activity he ended up having to stop about every ten minutes to relieve himself on the side of the road. Due to these stops he was late for his business meeting and was subsequently fired from his job. Regardless of all this Eddy was pleased with himself. He had gotten his revenge upon that Freddie fellow and that was enough to put a smile on his face.

Gordon Returns!

Don't worry folks, I took care of those dang computers. They won't be bugging us for a while now. Oh, and if the internet is a little slow, that's probably my fault. Anyway, I am back in control of my blog and will return to the regularly scheduled blogging. But remember, this may be your last chance so read quickly.