Sir Dangeford and the Moat

Back in the days of knights there lived a man by the name of Sir Dangeford. He was the king of a small country whose existence has been entirely ignored by the individuals who wrote history books. This is due mostly to the fact that Sir Dangeford wrote a letter to the guild of Historians telling them that they had been mistaken on a few points in several of their writings and that they were very foolish for having done so.

And so, Klaf was forgotten. However, some tales have been passed done from generation to generation and that is how I am able to relate this tale to you.

Sir Dangeford, as I have previously stated was a king. And a very fine king he was. His subjects loved and obeyed him and he cared for them. He was a very capable king even though he had a tendency to sometimes do foolish things, like write letters for example.

One day Sir Dangeford's advisor, a man hired to advise him in the many decisions that he had to make as the ruler of a small country, came in to speak with him.

"Sire," began the advisor in a dry, uninterested sort of way. "Your alligators have arrived."

"Did you just call me sire?" asked Sir Dangeford.

"Yes, of course I did sire," responded the advisor.

"Why," asked Sir Dangeford with a hint of annoyance in his voice, "would you call me that?"

"Well, sire, it is generally used as a sign of respect and seeing as I respect you and wish to convey that respect in a vocal manner I chose to use it when addressing you."

"But my name is Sir, not sire." argued Sir Dangeford. For it really was his name and I assure you that there is a reasonably good explanation for why that is so.

"So you wish me to call you Sir instead?" asked the advisor.

"Yes," responded Sir Dangeford vehemently.

"Then I shall endeavor towards that end, Sir."

"Now, what was it that you wanted to say?" asked Sir Dangeford.

"Well, sire..."

"SIR!"

"Yes of course, I forgot... Well, Sir, the alligators that you ordered for your moat have arrived. I simply wanted to inform you before you went for your afternoon swim."

Sir Dangeford pondered this new information for a moment.

"That's strange, I thought I ordered crocodiles," he finally commented.

"Yes, crocodiles," said the advisor suddenly, "the crocodiles you ordered have arrived."

Sir Dangeford frownded at his advisor.

"Are you lying to me?" he asked.

"Yes Sir, I am."

"Now why on earth would you do that?" asked Sir Dangeford.

"Well," responded the advisor, "I simply thought that perhaps you wouldn't notice whether you had alligators or crocodiles in your moat and since the reptile company that we usually order from was all out of crocodiles I assumed that we could simply order alligators instead and be none the worse for ware."

"Wouldn't notice?" said Sir Dangeford in surprise. "Of course I would notice. They're entirely different. Would you notice if tonight when you went home you found a woman other than your wife in your house?"

"Well, sir, I am actually not married and so I imagine I would be shocked to find any woman in my home."

"You're missing the point," argued Sir Dangeford. "Alligators and crocodiles are completely different creatures and you would have to think me a dolt or a simpleton to think that you could get away with ordering one in the place of the other."

"Sir, I do not think that you are a dolt," responded the advisor. "I just don't see the difference between these two animals."

"Well, you see," began Sir Dangeford switching to his informative tone of voice, "The most recognizable difference is that the alligator has a shorter, broader, u-shaped snout while the crocodile has a longer, narrower, v-shaped snout. Also, on the crocodile both the top and bottom rows of teeth are visible when the creatures mouth is closed whereas on the alligator you can see only the top row."

"Sir, if I may speak plainly, that is perhaps the most useless tidbit of information that I have ever been informed of."

"Oh," said Sir Dangeford skeptically. "Well you will be wishing that you had paid closer attention the next time you find yourself swimming in the Amazon and find that there is a large reptilian creature swimming in your direction."

"Sir, I doubt that at that point I shall care what sort of creature is swimming towards me but rather I shall be swimming for my life."

"Ah-ha!" remarked Sir Dangeford triumphantly. "Perhaps, though, you would be interested to note one other interesting but little-known fact. Alligators are in fact incredibly ticklish while crocodiles are not. Alligators are actually considered by some to be the most ticklish creature in the animal kingdom besides man himself."

"That hardly seems believable," responded the advisor.

"Well it is," argued Sir Dangeford and now any half-witted thief or invader who knows this little bit of information will be able to sneak past our defenses and penetrate this fortress! We must have crocodiles because they do not posses this horrible weakness. And what's more, that extra row of teeth makes them twice as intimidating."

"Alright Sir, I will order a replacement shipment of crocodiles immediately.

"Excellent," declared Sir Dangeford. "And could you also bring me my swimming tunic? It's time for my afternoon swim."

"But, Sir, what about the alligators?"

"Pah! Those over-sized geckos? I'm more afraid of getting pruny skin than of getting eaten by them. Now bring me my swimming tunic!"

"Yes, Sir, right away."

And so, Sir Dangeford had a lovely swim and eventually got a replacement shipment of snapping crocodiles. Not, however, before a thief who knew the difference between alligators and crocodiles managed to break into the castle. But that, is another tale.

THE END