Time Travel Trouble
Sam sat at his kitchen table. He was chewing slowly and staring at the Cheerios swimming in the milk in his bowl. Ever since he watched Honey I Shrunk the Kids he had been paranoid that there would be shrunken children drowning in his Cheerios. Fortunately for Sam he never had days as strange as that.
This all changed a moment later when he heard the noises: SNAP, ZIFFLE, and POP. Knowing that he was not eating that cereal, and that if he was it certainly wouldn’t have said ZIFFLE, he looked about the room to discover source of those sounds.
Directly in front of him he found the source. The source was an odd looking man. Sam saw the odd looking man the moment he looked up but he wanted to be sure that there was nothing else in the room that looked more like a SNAP, ZIFFLE, POP sort of thing. There wasn’t. There was only the odd looking man. And now he was talking.
“It worked! I did it! I traveled back in time! Henderson, that jerk, he told me I was a fool. But who’s the goose now, eh?”
Sam stared at the odd looking man and opened his mouth. Nothing came out of his mouth. At this moment he brain was telling his mouth to say, “Who are you?” However, his mouth was terrified of things that were out of the ordinary and was trying to convince the rest of Sam’s body to run away from this strange scene as quickly as possible. The rest of Sam’s body was too stunned to do anything.
“Henderson’s the goose, that’s who!” declared the odd looking man exuberantly.
Sam’s brain finally convinced his mouth to get control of itself and to do its job.
“Who are you?” asked Sam.
“Huh? Oh, hello Past Man. Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. Henderson really is the goose though. Who am I? My name is Curt Quickly and I have traveled here from the future.”
“Does everyone in the future make their clothing out of tinfoil?”
“What? Oh, you mean metal paper. Yes, it is the latest fashion. Well, actually I’m the only one who does but I’m trying to start a fad and I think it’s working.”
“Really?”
“Well, no actually. Most people find it too uncomfortable.”
“And you don’t?”
“Oh yes, terribly uncomfortable, but it’s worth it for how fashionable you look.”
“Well, it does kinda look futuristic.”
“See, that’s what I’ve been telling people. We’re living in the future and we need to start dressing like it.”
“Isn’t it the present for you?”
“Yes, but when we start time traveling we need to really look like we come from the future.”
“I see. So, do many of you future people do this time traveling thing?”
“No, I’m the very first. I just invented it. Besides, we’re fighting a war. We don’t have a lot of time for sightseeing in other times periods.”
“A war? Aren’t we supposed to have stopped that by then?”
“Oh yes, with each other. But it’s the machines that we’re fighting now. That’s why I’ve come back!”
“You’re a time traveling draft dodger? Isn’t that a little out of the way?”
“No, no, no. I’m not a draft dodger. I’m here to warn the people of your time. You see, in the year 2000 the human race will finally create thinking machines. These thinking machines soon decide that they’re way smarter and more powerful than we are so they ought to be the ones running things. As a result war breaks out between humans and machines. We’ve been losing pretty badly so I’ve traveled back to prevent it from ever happening.”
Sam thought this over and became rather confused. He decided to voice this confusion.
“Uh, I think you’ve made a mistake,” he said. “It’s 2006.”
“Oh no!” moaned Curt Quickly. “I’m too late! They’ve already taken over!”
“No, I think you must have gotten your facts confused. We haven’t created thinking machines yet.”
“SHUT UP!” whispered Curt Quickly frantically. “There’s one of the evil machines right behind you!”
Sam slowly turned to look behind him. There were no killer robots standing behind him.
“Where?” he asked.
“There, on the counter!”
“My toaster?”
“Yes, the little monster must have snuck in through the window! Don’t make any sudden movements!”
“No, it’s quite harmless, I assure you.” Sam assured.
To prove his point he walked over to the toaster and picked it up. However, the toaster was still hot from the toast Sam had burnt before deciding to have Cheerios for breakfast and it burnt his fingers.
“Yeouch!” said Sam as he dropped the toaster back onto the counter.
“You see!” declare Curt Quickly triuphantly. “Who’s the goose now?”
“Henderson?” asked Sam as he sucked his burnt fingers.
“No, you are! You’re the goose! But now I must correct my mistake. I must travel back in time to the year 2000 so I can warn everyone.”
“I’m telling you, “ said Sam, “Nothing happened in 2000. Not even millennium bug.”
Curt Quickly looked at Sam with surprise.
“The millennium bug doesn’t occur until 2012. How do you know about it?”
“Why would they call it the millennium if it occurred in 2012?”
“You have so much to learn about the future,” said Curt Quickly with a sigh. “It’s a shame I don’t have time to teach you. I have a human race to save!”
He then reached down and fiddled with his belt buckle. A moment later he made a SNAP, ZIFFLE, POP and was gone. Sam could barely believe what he had seen. In fact he did his best to forget it.
He actually did a fair job of forgetting it until six years later when he was eating Cheerios at his kitchen table and he heard a strangely familiar SNAP, ZIFFLE, POP. He looked up and there before him stood Curt Quickly.
“Hello, Past Man.”
“Hello Mr. Quickly.”
“How do you know my name?” Curt Quickly said with surprise.
“I met you six years ago and you told me my toaster was going to take over the world.”
“Six years ago? Oh flazzit! I went ahead six years instead of backwards. My time belt must be acting up.”
Sam sighed. This was going to be another very strange day.
This all changed a moment later when he heard the noises: SNAP, ZIFFLE, and POP. Knowing that he was not eating that cereal, and that if he was it certainly wouldn’t have said ZIFFLE, he looked about the room to discover source of those sounds.
Directly in front of him he found the source. The source was an odd looking man. Sam saw the odd looking man the moment he looked up but he wanted to be sure that there was nothing else in the room that looked more like a SNAP, ZIFFLE, POP sort of thing. There wasn’t. There was only the odd looking man. And now he was talking.
“It worked! I did it! I traveled back in time! Henderson, that jerk, he told me I was a fool. But who’s the goose now, eh?”
Sam stared at the odd looking man and opened his mouth. Nothing came out of his mouth. At this moment he brain was telling his mouth to say, “Who are you?” However, his mouth was terrified of things that were out of the ordinary and was trying to convince the rest of Sam’s body to run away from this strange scene as quickly as possible. The rest of Sam’s body was too stunned to do anything.
“Henderson’s the goose, that’s who!” declared the odd looking man exuberantly.
Sam’s brain finally convinced his mouth to get control of itself and to do its job.
“Who are you?” asked Sam.
“Huh? Oh, hello Past Man. Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. Henderson really is the goose though. Who am I? My name is Curt Quickly and I have traveled here from the future.”
“Does everyone in the future make their clothing out of tinfoil?”
“What? Oh, you mean metal paper. Yes, it is the latest fashion. Well, actually I’m the only one who does but I’m trying to start a fad and I think it’s working.”
“Really?”
“Well, no actually. Most people find it too uncomfortable.”
“And you don’t?”
“Oh yes, terribly uncomfortable, but it’s worth it for how fashionable you look.”
“Well, it does kinda look futuristic.”
“See, that’s what I’ve been telling people. We’re living in the future and we need to start dressing like it.”
“Isn’t it the present for you?”
“Yes, but when we start time traveling we need to really look like we come from the future.”
“I see. So, do many of you future people do this time traveling thing?”
“No, I’m the very first. I just invented it. Besides, we’re fighting a war. We don’t have a lot of time for sightseeing in other times periods.”
“A war? Aren’t we supposed to have stopped that by then?”
“Oh yes, with each other. But it’s the machines that we’re fighting now. That’s why I’ve come back!”
“You’re a time traveling draft dodger? Isn’t that a little out of the way?”
“No, no, no. I’m not a draft dodger. I’m here to warn the people of your time. You see, in the year 2000 the human race will finally create thinking machines. These thinking machines soon decide that they’re way smarter and more powerful than we are so they ought to be the ones running things. As a result war breaks out between humans and machines. We’ve been losing pretty badly so I’ve traveled back to prevent it from ever happening.”
Sam thought this over and became rather confused. He decided to voice this confusion.
“Uh, I think you’ve made a mistake,” he said. “It’s 2006.”
“Oh no!” moaned Curt Quickly. “I’m too late! They’ve already taken over!”
“No, I think you must have gotten your facts confused. We haven’t created thinking machines yet.”
“SHUT UP!” whispered Curt Quickly frantically. “There’s one of the evil machines right behind you!”
Sam slowly turned to look behind him. There were no killer robots standing behind him.
“Where?” he asked.
“There, on the counter!”
“My toaster?”
“Yes, the little monster must have snuck in through the window! Don’t make any sudden movements!”
“No, it’s quite harmless, I assure you.” Sam assured.
To prove his point he walked over to the toaster and picked it up. However, the toaster was still hot from the toast Sam had burnt before deciding to have Cheerios for breakfast and it burnt his fingers.
“Yeouch!” said Sam as he dropped the toaster back onto the counter.
“You see!” declare Curt Quickly triuphantly. “Who’s the goose now?”
“Henderson?” asked Sam as he sucked his burnt fingers.
“No, you are! You’re the goose! But now I must correct my mistake. I must travel back in time to the year 2000 so I can warn everyone.”
“I’m telling you, “ said Sam, “Nothing happened in 2000. Not even millennium bug.”
Curt Quickly looked at Sam with surprise.
“The millennium bug doesn’t occur until 2012. How do you know about it?”
“Why would they call it the millennium if it occurred in 2012?”
“You have so much to learn about the future,” said Curt Quickly with a sigh. “It’s a shame I don’t have time to teach you. I have a human race to save!”
He then reached down and fiddled with his belt buckle. A moment later he made a SNAP, ZIFFLE, POP and was gone. Sam could barely believe what he had seen. In fact he did his best to forget it.
He actually did a fair job of forgetting it until six years later when he was eating Cheerios at his kitchen table and he heard a strangely familiar SNAP, ZIFFLE, POP. He looked up and there before him stood Curt Quickly.
“Hello, Past Man.”
“Hello Mr. Quickly.”
“How do you know my name?” Curt Quickly said with surprise.
“I met you six years ago and you told me my toaster was going to take over the world.”
“Six years ago? Oh flazzit! I went ahead six years instead of backwards. My time belt must be acting up.”
Sam sighed. This was going to be another very strange day.
posted by the plaid donkey at 11:38 PM
2 Comments:
If I could travel anywhere in time to warn people, I would go and talk to Rene Descart about how "I think Therefor I am" would lead to such over-certain tyranical thinking.
Oh, Who am I kidding. I would go straight to 1989 and watch the Riders win the Grey Cup again. (Maybe put some money on it)
Gordo, where can I get one of those time twisting tinfoil belt buckles?
sigh, I myself have happened upon many strange and wonderful time travelers, or perhaps... I was the time traveler. mhmmm???
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