Cultural Infraction
Molly was reading an interesting mystery novel and noisily sucking up a strawberry milkshake through a straw when the men came in. She didn’t notice them because she was so intensely engaged in the two activities previously mentioned. But several other people in the small diner did.
They noticed the two men because they wore ominously dull grey suits and dark sunglasses. Those who noticed them, however, quickly pretended that they did not because these two men seemed like the sort who did not wish to be noticed and who would cause you a great deal of discomfort if you did. They looked virtually the same except that the one on the left had a small moustache and the one on the right wore a striped tie.
The two men walked over to Molly’s table and loomed over her. Despite this Molly remained engaged in her activities.
“Ahem…Miss Charleston?” asked the man with the moustache.
Perhaps you have heard that it is dangerous to wake someone while they are sleepwalking. That is true. However what you probably not heard that it is equally dangerous to startle a person who is engrossed in a good book.
Molly jumped and inhaled a good-sized lump of ice cream and strawberries. This caused her to sputter and cough for a total of three-and-a-quarter minutes. After this she was able to dislodge the strawberry chunk and composed herself. Brushing a strand of her shoulder-length, curly-brown hair out of her face she looked up at the two men and smiled.
“Good grief! You nearly killed me there!” she said with a laugh.
“Miss Charleston?” asked the man with the striped tie. He was not laughing.
“Yes that’s me. What can I do for you?”
“You’ll have to come with us,” said the man with the moustache.
“What? Why?” asked Molly in shock.
“We are from the CSA.
“Who?”
“The Cultural Security Agency. You are charged with a cultural infraction and conspiracy to endanger culture.”
“What on earth are you talking about?” Molly demanded.
The man with the striped tie reached into his jacket and removed a folder. He opened it and slammed it down on the table in front of Molly.
“Take a look at these,” he said, thrusting his finger at the papers in the folder. “We’ve been watching you for some time now. We know what you’ve been up to.”
Shocked Molly read the report.
“Wait a minute, what is this? It looks like a record of everything I’ve done since I graduated high-school.”
“Yes, I assume it speaks for itself,” said the moustache man.
“No, not really. What exactly are these charges you’re talking about?”
“Well,” began the striped tie man, “since you graduated high school what have you done with yourself?”
Glancing at the file Molly thought and responded.
“Uh, I studied arts and philosophy for a year. Then I worked for a year. Following that I traveled to Lithuania and India. After that I came home and have been working all this past year at a bookstore. But I don’t see how any of that…”
“What did you do while travelling in those other countries?” asked moustache man
“Well… I taught English as a second language in India and worked at an orphanage in Lithuania.”
“And what exactly does that, or what you did at either of your two past occupations, have to do with the classes you took in university?” asked striped tie man.
“Uh… nothing I suppose.”
“Precisely! You took those classes out of pure interest!” spat the moustache.
“Well… yes. That’s not a crime though…”
“Not a crime?” sneered stripes. “You’ve broken the first law of culture: Thou shalt pursue only that which furthers the acquisition of possessions and wealth.”
“Law of culture? What the heck are you talking about?”
Moustache laughed condescendingly.
“We’re talking about the laws that really keep the gears of this society grinding steadily forward.”
“You’re crazy,” declared Molly. “So what if I don’t just want to spend my life collecting money and DVD players. Maybe I took those classes just because I was interested in the topics and wanted to become a better person. Maybe I don’t care about money. Maybe I just want to spend it on simple pleasures for myself and the people that have been placed in my life.”
“You twisted little monster!” shrieked stripes. “Money is used to buy possessions and to get education that allows individuals to get better jobs so that they can get more money that they can spend on newer, better possessions. That is how people are meant to live. There is a cycle of life that must be perpetuated!”
“Life?” cried Molly in disbelief. “I’ve never heard anything that sounded less like it.”
“I’ve heard enough,” said moustache. “You’re coming with us.”
With that the two men locked Molly up in handcuffs and escorted her out of diner. Immediately everyone in the diner returned to what they had been doing and made sure to buy something else from the menu before they went home.
The End
They noticed the two men because they wore ominously dull grey suits and dark sunglasses. Those who noticed them, however, quickly pretended that they did not because these two men seemed like the sort who did not wish to be noticed and who would cause you a great deal of discomfort if you did. They looked virtually the same except that the one on the left had a small moustache and the one on the right wore a striped tie.
The two men walked over to Molly’s table and loomed over her. Despite this Molly remained engaged in her activities.
“Ahem…Miss Charleston?” asked the man with the moustache.
Perhaps you have heard that it is dangerous to wake someone while they are sleepwalking. That is true. However what you probably not heard that it is equally dangerous to startle a person who is engrossed in a good book.
Molly jumped and inhaled a good-sized lump of ice cream and strawberries. This caused her to sputter and cough for a total of three-and-a-quarter minutes. After this she was able to dislodge the strawberry chunk and composed herself. Brushing a strand of her shoulder-length, curly-brown hair out of her face she looked up at the two men and smiled.
“Good grief! You nearly killed me there!” she said with a laugh.
“Miss Charleston?” asked the man with the striped tie. He was not laughing.
“Yes that’s me. What can I do for you?”
“You’ll have to come with us,” said the man with the moustache.
“What? Why?” asked Molly in shock.
“We are from the CSA.
“Who?”
“The Cultural Security Agency. You are charged with a cultural infraction and conspiracy to endanger culture.”
“What on earth are you talking about?” Molly demanded.
The man with the striped tie reached into his jacket and removed a folder. He opened it and slammed it down on the table in front of Molly.
“Take a look at these,” he said, thrusting his finger at the papers in the folder. “We’ve been watching you for some time now. We know what you’ve been up to.”
Shocked Molly read the report.
“Wait a minute, what is this? It looks like a record of everything I’ve done since I graduated high-school.”
“Yes, I assume it speaks for itself,” said the moustache man.
“No, not really. What exactly are these charges you’re talking about?”
“Well,” began the striped tie man, “since you graduated high school what have you done with yourself?”
Glancing at the file Molly thought and responded.
“Uh, I studied arts and philosophy for a year. Then I worked for a year. Following that I traveled to Lithuania and India. After that I came home and have been working all this past year at a bookstore. But I don’t see how any of that…”
“What did you do while travelling in those other countries?” asked moustache man
“Well… I taught English as a second language in India and worked at an orphanage in Lithuania.”
“And what exactly does that, or what you did at either of your two past occupations, have to do with the classes you took in university?” asked striped tie man.
“Uh… nothing I suppose.”
“Precisely! You took those classes out of pure interest!” spat the moustache.
“Well… yes. That’s not a crime though…”
“Not a crime?” sneered stripes. “You’ve broken the first law of culture: Thou shalt pursue only that which furthers the acquisition of possessions and wealth.”
“Law of culture? What the heck are you talking about?”
Moustache laughed condescendingly.
“We’re talking about the laws that really keep the gears of this society grinding steadily forward.”
“You’re crazy,” declared Molly. “So what if I don’t just want to spend my life collecting money and DVD players. Maybe I took those classes just because I was interested in the topics and wanted to become a better person. Maybe I don’t care about money. Maybe I just want to spend it on simple pleasures for myself and the people that have been placed in my life.”
“You twisted little monster!” shrieked stripes. “Money is used to buy possessions and to get education that allows individuals to get better jobs so that they can get more money that they can spend on newer, better possessions. That is how people are meant to live. There is a cycle of life that must be perpetuated!”
“Life?” cried Molly in disbelief. “I’ve never heard anything that sounded less like it.”
“I’ve heard enough,” said moustache. “You’re coming with us.”
With that the two men locked Molly up in handcuffs and escorted her out of diner. Immediately everyone in the diner returned to what they had been doing and made sure to buy something else from the menu before they went home.
The End
posted by the plaid donkey at 9:07 AM
3 Comments:
Gordon,
That was smashing. "Ominously dull." Have I ever told you that oxymoron is my favorite figure of speach flavor.
let's do that as a monty pythonesc skit and post it on the blog.
Is this some sort of life lesson?? Hmmm....
KKK
I buy stuff...
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