Un-natural Disaster

It happened completely by accident. It happened be cause Hillary was desperate to make James, from the apartment down the hall, fall in love with her. She had tried everything: tossing her hair, batting her eye lashes, laughing at his jokes, and even pretending to be interested in football. Now she was getting desperate. She decided to fall back upon one of the universal laws of attraction: the quickest way to a man’s heart, is through his stomach.

She now went to the shelf in her kitchen and removed a dusty old book with a tattered cover. It was the cookbook that had been passed down through her family from generation to generation. It was ancient.

Without delay she began flipping through the pages looking for a recipe that would make James hers forevermore. She saw many classic recipes, but none that would guarantee success. And that’s when she found it. She turned the page and read the title of the recipe: Disaster.

"What is this," she said aloud, "a recipe for disaster?"

Intrigued, she read the recipe.

4 entire eggs (crushed)
3 golf-ball sized wads of chewed bubble gum
½ cup minced onions
7 monkeys
3 cups smashed rocks
1 person in love
1 bottle hard liquor
127 cm tangled string
½ a conversation
1 can baked beans
1 cup broken glass
13 tbsp. gunpowder
$100.00 cash
a pinch of salt
1 lit match

Combine all ingredients except for match in a large bowl as haphazardly as possible. Stir until mixture turns lumpy. Then add match. When smoke settles, then disaster will occur.

Hillary stared at the recipe. Then she laughed out loud.

"…then disaster will be ready," she repeated aloud with a laugh. "What is this silly thing doing in here?"

Now, Hillary was the sort of person who was often very curious. She had a tendency to taste food she hadn’t tried before and to stick her head into places that she couldn’t see into. This sort of curiosity would sometimes case a great deal of trouble. Now was one of those times.

Hillary was curious to see what would happen if she followed the recipe. So, she got a big bowl from the cupboard and began dumping the ingredients in as haphazardly as she possibly could.

Happily she crushed the eggs through her fingers into the bowl. Then she found three packs of bubble gum, chewed them into golf ball-sized lumps, and added them to the bowl. Then she came to the onions. She cringed. Hillary absolutely hated onions. She hated the smell. She hated the taste. She even hated the name. However, she was determined to complete the recipe. So, she held her breath and began mincing the onions.

When it came time for the monkeys Hillary was at a loss. Where would she get monkeys? After thinking about it for a moment and then got an idea. She ran to her closet and pulled out a barrel of plastic monkeys. Seven of these went into the bowl.

After adding the smashed rocks she was again at a dilemma. How could she put a person in love into the mixture? Then she realized how obvious the answer was. Finding a picture herself she tossed it into the bowl.

The liquor and string were east enough to take care of. For the conversation she wrote out a recent conversation she had had with James, tore it in half and put half in.

After the beans and glass she scratched her head about what to do about the gunpowder. Remembering that she had several fireworks in her closet she retrieved one, cut it open, and dumped the contents into the bowl. Rather than wasting 100 real dollars Hillary raided her monopoly board. Finally came the pinch of salt.

Hillary stirred the contents of the bowl into a lumpy mess. Then she lit a match and dropped it in. There was a POOF of smoke and then it happened.

And by "it" I mean that her counter began to shake. Her counter was shaking because it was attached to the floor of her apartment, which was a part of a building that was attached to the earth which was in the middle of quaking.
As a result of the earthquake parts of Hillary’s walls and ceiling began to break off and fall to the floor. Her bookshelf tipped over and her potted plants fell out the open window.

Hillary was both surprised that the recipe had so quickly lead to some sort of disaster and terrified because of what danger that disaster might put her in. She decided to get out of the building. Quickly she flung open her door and rushed out into the hall. But just as she turned to run down the hall a chunk of plaster smashed to the floor a step ahead of her. She froze.

Just as a second chunk fell just above her a strong arm pulled her out of harms way. The next thing Hillary knew she was standing in her open doorway clasped tightly in James’ arms. A moment later the earthquake stopped.

"Where did you come from?" she asked half in shock and half in complete bliss.

"I was just over at my door trying to get in but I think I locked my keys inside. You know you should always get into a doorway during one of those."

"Oh," she said breathlessly without taking her gaze off of his dazzling blue eyes.

"You’re really beautiful," commented James. Then he blushed and apologized.

"Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that."

"No," Hillary assured, "go right ahead."

"Well," smiled James with a new boldness, "to tell you the truth I’ve kind of had a bit of a thing for you for some time now."

"Really?" asked Hillary. "I’ve had kind of a thing for you too."

At this point something truly romantic occurred between Hillary and James. They stared into each other’s eyes for what seemed like an eternity. Their hearts pounded in their chests. And then… they kissed.

All of a sudden Hillary pulled away from James with a look of disgust on her face.
"What’s wrong?" he asked.

"Did you just eat something with onions?"

"Uh… well, just and onion sandwich."

"An onion sandwich?"

"Yeah, like my favorite sandwich ever."

Hillary took a determined step inside her apartment, pushed James out into the hall, and shut her door. After that they never spoke again. And that, was the true disaster.